


Mother's Love

by MaketheWeirdSubmit



Category: Carmilla (Web Series)
Genre: Dysfunctional Family, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Reflection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-02
Updated: 2015-12-02
Packaged: 2018-05-04 12:14:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,854
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5333729
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaketheWeirdSubmit/pseuds/MaketheWeirdSubmit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What if the Dean actually loved Carmilla, and it had just become twisted and broken over the years? How would this have influenced Carmilla? After a short reunion from the Dean in Perry's body over the webcam, Carmilla reflects on the memories of what it's like to be loved by Lilita Morgan.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Mother's Love

**Author's Note:**

> I remember reading on tumblr somewhere that someone calculated just how much blood could fit into a coffin, and that it would only last about 9-10 years depending. What I don't remember is who did that, so my apologies! But credit goes to that person for the snippet here on what Carmilla would be like after escaping the coffin.

Mother's return in Perry's body is not something you ever thought you would see.

You don't know how to handle the unreadable face and cold cut of the Dean's clothes on sweet Lola Perry's body. The ginger had been many things, annoying being foremost amongst them, but the cruelty Mother wore like a weapon was just wrong on Perry's body. You suppose you should be thankful that this reunion is not taking place in person. Even now you are still so far in the dark about Mother's intentions. Once you believed her to be dead, and now you are struggling with resurfacing feelings of not having closure and the ridiculous need to be held in her arms again. To have her call you _my glittering girl_ one more time.

"Carmilla," Mother speaks, inflection-less, and yet the disappointment is clear for all to hear. You slump over in defeat, turning your head away because you can't bear to watch this and haven't you sacrificed enough already? Wasn't it enough to throw her to the wolves and save yourself and Laura and her dimwit friends? Must you do it all over again? God, why do you _still love her?_

_"_ Mother," you mumble out, fiddling with the edge of your shirt. It's easy to hear the huff of annoyance she gives in reply, clearing annoyed at your perceived disrespect.

"I'm disappointed in you, darling. I thought you would have learned your lesson by now with these stupid humans you insist on attaching yourself to."

Mother's words cut you to the quick. "I love her, Mother. Why isn't that enough for you?"

"Because it obviously isn't enough for her, my little Kaisran. I've already told you, stone cannot love flesh. She is not good for you."

You want to throw something and break the camera, shatter the broken look on Perry, no, _Mother's_ face (not Perry's, no, she may not ever be coming back) because you know you've failed her again. And even though you and her are on opposite sides now, she still holds a special place in your heart.

Mother sighs at your sullen silence, her expression becoming more concerned. "This is exactly what I was trying to prevent. She expects the impossible from you, and you are enough of a romantic fool to try and give it to her. You are better than that. But, I can see you're still not interested in hearing what I have to say. Reap the rewards of your actions then, _dear._ I have work to do."

The connection cuts off with a cold smirk, leaving you alone in the dark. Again. Laura's return brings the light with it, but you can't stop yourself from admitting that Mother is right. Laura wants you to be what you're not, and it's tearing you apart that you just can't do it. Or maybe you're just too unwilling. 

That she had tried to warn you about it makes you reminisce about the other lessons she's had to teach you.

Your earliest memories of Mother are some of your fondest.

You took to the life of the undead with more grace and enthusiasm than she had seen in many years. The sensations of being not-dead was something you had found excitement and joy in - things you had mostly lacked while you were alive. You had been so eager to learn every lesson she had had to teach - how to hunt, how to feed without killing, how to draw in your prey just so. Mattie's return to the fold and subsequent introduction to you only amplified your exuberance to the point of exasperation. You loved Mattie from the moment you had laid eyes on her mischievous smirk. But you were Mother's _glittering girl,_ and she let you get away with murder almost all of the time.

_Almost_ being the key word. You're still pretty sore over the coffin incident.

But, those first decades under Mother's wing had been the best of your (un)life. There had been so much to experience, to see, to read, to _wonder_ at, and you were given the whole world on a platter. As long as you always returned to Mother's welcome and waiting arms, you were free to do as you wished. Mattie had only encouraged you, especially during your shape-shifting lessons. Your ability to transform so early in your death was something that had delighted Mother to no end, the last shining moments the three of you had had.

Meeting Ell had changed everything.

You had fallen hard and fast for the joyous girl, and all ties to your vampiric family had suddenly seemed inconsequential and easily broken in the face of such powerful emotions. The fact that Ell had been intended for the sacrifice was something you thought you could talk Mother out of - there had to be hundreds of other girls who could be Ell's replacement. But you had wanted to get Ell to safety first before broaching the topic with Mother, and that is where you made your gravest mistake.

You had known the extents Mother would go to for her sacrifices; seen her cruelty firsthand. You had just never thought she could be cruel to _you._

The look on her face as she had Ell taken away to her certain doom and a coffin prepared for your punishment was...indescribable. At the time you had not thought beyond yourself and the unfairness of it all, but looking back you had to admit that she had been just as devastated as you.

What you had not known then is that it had taken more time to set up Ell as the victim than Mother had to spare. The time for the ritual had come and passed by the time you were planning to elope with the girl; time Mother had given unbeknownst to you because she could tell how much you enjoyed Ell's company. Even if you had voiced your desires to find another girl, it would have been for naught. There had been no time left, as her mysterious benefactor of the rituals was making the world more and more unstable. But Mother had given you a gift, and your attempt to run away with one of the sacrifices had been a stab in her back. You had spit in her face after she'd given you everything. It had greatly pained her, you could realize now, to punish you for your betrayal.

Mother could not watch as you were lowered into the coffin and fed the blood of so many people, but watching her was the only thing _you_ could have done at that moment. She had turned and begun walking slowly away, listening with a heavy heart to your screams and pleas before the earth silenced you. Years of pain and darkness would be your amends. It was a punishment at once too great and not enough for your traitorous actions.

When the tanks of war had blown open the ground and ended your torment decades later, you had been nothing but an emaciated pile of skin and bones. The blood inside the coffin had run out years ago, and the soldiers on the battlefield that day had died horribly by your monstrous hands. But the restoration of your body had only been the beginning - your immortal mind had suffered too much in the darkness, and had needed ample time and blood to heal itself. For years you had lived like an animal in the Styrian woods, holing up in a cave and killing anything that came too close. This was not something you had told, or ever would tell, Laura - the blackest depths of your soul had been forced to the surface. Even now you were still broken.

Once you had been well enough to try living like a civilized vampire again, the wonders of the new world had only made you sad. So much had been missed while you were away, and reintegration into the new society had given you more than enough trouble. The languages were all different, the clothing, the body language, the _everything_. Never had you ever felt more your age. It was just your luck, you supposed now, that Mother had found you when you were in need the most.

A great irony if you've ever heard of one.

Your attempts to be normal again had been laughable at best. Mircalla von Karnstein had died in that coffin, and you hadn't known where to go or who to be. The walking corpse that had emerged from that grave was so fundamentally different from the young vampire who had been forced into it. An entire rebirth was called for, but you hadn't had the strength of will to enact it. Que Mother's timely rescue.

She had swept in, all cool gazes and hard orders. Any affection had been saved for when you had been safely returned to your new hell of Silas University, standing in front of her desk with a noticeable tremble. A shockingly tight embrace, and the uttered phrase of _Oh, my darling girl_ later, and the dam of your emotions had been broken.

You had spent hours curled in Mother's arms, crying for the loss of your innocence in that dark and unforgivable place. She had held you, whispered affections and assurances in your ear. But when it was all over and you were finally calm again, listening to the outline of your new duties, you could see the unspoken warning in her weary eyes. _Next time_ , they said, _I won't be able to save you._

_Next time, you will have to die._

Even after that touching reunion, your relationship never recovered.

You were intent on rebelling in the smallest of ways to avoid major punishment, and she mostly just sighed and waved you on. You were too terrified of the coffin to do anything big enough to be forced back inside of it. This, you knew, had broken her heart (or what was left of it after thousands of years), and she done everything to make your forced stay under her watch more bearable. Everything, except love you the way you desperately needed. Her way was no longer enough - you needed more. When Laura had entered the picture, you found your needed love. But Mother could not abide this - you were meant for greater things than that.

"Stone cannot love flesh", she had told you.

_It is the stone that cannot love stone, Mother,_ you had wanted to bite back, but hearing those words from sweet Laura's mouth had unsettled you into obedience. A deal with the devil that had not worked out, forcing your hand into action. The feeling of the handle of the Hastur Blade connecting with Mother's face is something you will never forget, and as you had lain in that crater with her body, it was something you had even regretted. For all of Mother's faults, she had loved you. And you...had loved her.

Now, as you follow Laura to find more snacks from the ever-moving vending machines, you lament your fate of being too much the romantic fool.

 

**Author's Note:**

> So, I've been thinking a lot about the Dean. She's Carmilla's Mother-after-death, but we don't really see much of this love in action. We see her cruelty and her coldness, but never her love. That, is only something we hear about in very small passing. Remember that whole department dedicated to importing the expensive german chocolates? All for "her little Kaisran". I like to imagine the Dean did that to try and buy Carmilla's love back after what happened with Ell and the coffin because she just doesn't know how to love anymore, ya know? Ah well. It'd be interesting to see Carmilla interact with the Dean - a villain for the sake of being a villain doesn't really interest me. Cruelty for cruelty's sake is boring. But what if that villain wasn't so villainous after all?


End file.
